Fake It Till You Make It

"....Some days I feel like ____, some days I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit....." Where'd You Go - Fort Minor

"Just tell them you are not interested in church or church work, that's all". I remember when I heard those words echo loudly through the ear piece of the phone. It ALMOST brought me to tears. Then I swallowed hard and said, "Well I'll tell him word for word what you said". I think I had had enough. I was over 21 and I didn't think that it was fair for someone to make me feel guilty for just needing to take a break.

I had almost finished with my book and still didn't have an introduction. They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. Somehow while I had a knot in my throat, he was working. I had found my introduction.

You ever do something so much that you begin to feel lost in it; like you just exist. It no longer excites you, where before you defended its very existence and reason, you begin to feel lethargic and like you're stuck in a rut?

Granted I still found worth in what I was doing. I was still quite "saved". Although I was beginning to have completely different views as to what that meant. But most of all I still loved Jesus and wanted to please him. I was just through with making everyone else happy at the expense of my personal happiness. I was done.

I don't think we value honesty in churchdom. After all we're the "Fake it, til you make" people.

Allow me to offer the truths that I felt:-

I honestly was tired
I honestly needed a break
I honestly didn't need someone telling me "You'll be fine"
I honestly wanted someone to hear me out
I honestly felt like running away
But maybe we don't want honesty......

So I guess I'll fake it.

The Baby Leaped In Her Womb

For the first time in a long time, I felt my baby move. And not just move; it was an actual kick. Any of you remember when you first realized that you were ”carrying” and can identify with every emotion that the territory comes with. There’s an unparalleled excitement. You want to share your good news with everyone, because you can’t imagine anyone not being as excited or happy as you. Sooner or later when everyone starts giving their advice on your baby, you begin to share less and keep your mind on your due date. But what happens when you don’t feel what you know is normal in your condition? You feel time has stopped, you’re overdue and your baby isn’t moving. Then you begin to worry about the fulfillment of what was conceived so long ago. You worry and you fear that there may be something wrong with your baby. And when a period of time passes and nothing happens your biggest fear is that your baby might be dead.

No, I’m not pregnant. But I’m still carrying a dream that I’ve long had. I didn’t want an aborted dream. But I was so afraid that that was happening.

At first I thought my dream was stillborn, but came to realize that there was a big difference between an aborted dream and a stillborn dream. If my dreams ended up being ”stillborn”, it was because there was nothing I could do about it. It was too much for me to carry or even handle. It just couldn’t sustain itself and it wasn’t ready for the outside world. A lot of people have stillborn dreams and I honestly thought that was my case. But it wasn’t so, my dreams were being aborted. And it was because either I or someone I’d given opportunity to had purposely and forcibly began to destroyed my dream.

I think what was happening was, I was willfully letting someone give me an abortion. It was someone that didn’t understand. They didn’t know or didn’t care how long I’d been wanting and longing for the manifestation of what I’d conceived. They weren’t there through the tears of conception, when I cried out ”I need more”. They weren’t there when I sat on the edge of a bed asking if there was something wrong with me. They didn’t know that I questioned my ability to conceive, let alone give birth. And gradually I allowed them to kill my baby.

From the time I conceived, I was excited. It took a while before I realized everyone didn’t understand my conception, nor did they share in my excitement. Maybe it’s because what people don’t understand they seek to discredit. I don’t know if it was merely anxiety, but even people that I expected support from, didn’t show any. I think that was why I partly forgot that there was something on the inside of me that needed nurturing for it to be healthy enough to grow and be born, free of defects and deficiencies.

I stopped feeding the dream. I stopped seeking advice on how to keep it alive and healthy. I had heard so much negativity about my conception and subsequent pregnancy. I had heard so much talk of ”what are the possibilities of you accomplishing that?” and ”Do you know how hard that is?” that they convinced me that my dream was too much of an undertaking. I began to think that I didn’t want my baby.

I continued month after month with a dying baby. I stopped even listening when encouragement came saying, ”You’re almost at your due date.” simply because I had fostered so much negativity. I began to tell my dream, ”you’re too much for me”, ”we’d both be better off if I let you go”. This is why I knew it wasn’t a stillborn. With the stillborn dream there comes a peace, because you’ve done all you can.

That aborted dream is the one that kills you, because YOU gave up, not the dream. As I lay back with an inexperienced, uneducated, misguided, back alley dream killer; inside me, a baby struggled to survive, because it wanted to live. And I felt a kick. See as I lay there, with my heart breaking because I didn’t want my dream to die. Someone came by and said to me,

”You are a unique woman, don’t be afraid because what you carry in you greater than you could ever imagine and will be born.” ”HOLD ON, Ali, HOLD ON!”

And my baby kicked!

That was a few days ago and it’s been kicking ever since.
Now every day, when get up, I rise with a completely different outlook and a burning to make this happen and see this to the end. I rise knowing that I’m just that much closer to my due date and I WILL DELIVER a healthy dream!

So maybe I’m saying this for you…. If you pay close attention, and stop ignoring it, you may feel your (dream) baby kick too!

Train Up The Child

I thought about that scripture recently. How many Christian parents do you really think believe that scripture? I think they believe "...and my God shall supply all my needs", they even believe "in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy path", I'm sure they believe, "...that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life".

So how about "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he shall not depart from it." My translation: If you put God and God's values into your children, they will ALWAYS remember. I think it must have meant a lot for it to be said in the Old Testament and then illustrated in the New Testament. Say what you like but when I reflect on the story of the Prodigal, I get more than the typical tale of "runaway child". I see a story of redemption, a story of patience, a story of Godly training that was never forgotten.

You never forget lessons well taught. I look at Christian parents that have a such a fear that their children will end up "worldly" that they shelter them from EVERYTHING and I wonder if they themselves doubt the foundation that they've given their children.

I think this especially of PK's. After having been in church all their lives, having been taught the same lessons and principles day in and out that have been given to the congregation, why is it so hard to believe that as Scripture says, if you train them you don't have to worry about it. So did you teach the lessons? Did you give the children in your care over to the God that you believe in?

I look at the Old Testament account of Hannah. That woman left her child in the care of the Priest Eli. Now from the record of Eli, personally I don't think that was a good idea. The Word said that Eli's sons were a mess. And she left the ONE child she had cried and prayed for with this man that did such a bang up job with his own sons!

But she realised that all she could do was give him over to God and TRUST that he would do the rest. I think that that's all he expects. Fulfill your end of the command and if he's the God you claim he is, TRUST that he'll hold up his end.

Regina Belle - If I Could

TIRED

You ever get to the point where the words aren't enough? They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Not true. When everything you do is not enough, and everything you do is commented on and criticized, it takes every inch of your body, mind and soul to wear that smile. When "I wish that she would used the intensity, she has for this; toward something else" is echoed in your ear, the frown is so much easier. But it's the God in me verses the one I see, that moves me!

I've always been the encourager. I'm the bubbly one. No questions about it, whenever you have a problem count on me. I know the verse that will lift you. But sometimes the words aren't there. I remember watching "The Seventh Sign" with Demi Moore, there was a line that said,

"But a day will come when the sparrow sings no more...

"...because there are only a finite number of souls in The Guf. "It`s when the last soul is used, and The Guf is empty, that the world will end.”

I think my soul is empty......I didn't think it was possible. But Lord knows I'm Tired. 

Until Next time......... I'm just tired.

Adorn themselves in modest apparel.........

I remember when my Godmother took me to get my ears pierced and my first haircut. Lord, that was a big deal. I don't think she'd gotten permission from my parents. But that's a whole 'nother story. That was the weekend that I went to my first concert. It was the weekend I knew without a doubt what I wanted to do with my life. Once again completely different story. But it was also the weekend that I realized that the world had a style all their own. And I needed to catch up.

Church style has evolved and I grew up in the era of past the knee skirts, a wedding ring and no make up. Where are you going painted like Jezebel? (Granted I've read that scripture and maybe I have the wrong version but it never gave me that impression). I remember before we evolved into a more attractive Christian, I actually heard a preacher site in his sermon to women that some of them needed really needed makeup so they should embrace the idea.

But as a PK the pressure to be age appropriately fashionable while being watched was always a challenge. I remember when we thought that the rules may have been relaxed and the girls started wearing jeans to Youth Meetings, an elderly woman from the neighborhood, that didn't even attend our church; raised such a hullabaloo that we were instructed from the pulpit on Sunday that we were to wear skirts from there on.

When I became Youth Minister, I decided I'd go toe to toe with anyone that told my kids what they can and can't wear. My church is in the inner city, I was just glad they came to church. I didn't have time to make the boys wear ties, or measure the girls skirts. Whenever they wore something that was more socially acceptable I would compliment their attire. Eventually, the boys stopped wearing jeans to Sunday services and started coming in ties, and the girls retired their party skirts and started looking like they were applying for bank jobs. I never told them to change their attire. I smile when I see them, because as a PK I learned to lead by example.

While I still get odd looks when I decide to wear a sleeveless dress at church, it's become a non issue for me. I'm not Muslim, I'm completely covered and I look good.

Ok, I'll put on a jacket.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face.....

Some of my most thought provoking moments have come from within the hallowed walls of the sanctuary. Take for instance when a female guest preacher was preaching what I now assume was a soul stirring sermon. (You'll see why I don't remember it in a minute.)

I was always attentive in church. It was how I was raised. Adults speaking, I paid attention. My mother would tell you from the age of five to adulthood she could probably count the amount of times that I fell asleep in church on her narrow little left hand and still have fingers left over. And in retrospect, I'm glad, because my church memories would have given me smiles on my cloudy days.

My age at the time that this happened is a blur, but the event shines like crystal in my mind. The female minister had gotten the crowd on their feet. They were behind her. They were receiving her message as from the Lord and then the strange and downright hilarious happened .....

HER WIG CAME OFF!

I wish I was kidding. Her wig flew off her head and onto the podium. I remember thinking, is someone gonna pick it up? No one moved. So there she was in her exposed stocking cap. And I don't mean the nice store bought stocking caps, she had a coffee colored stocking that she had deconstructed and now it looked like an over-sized condom on her scalp. Did she stop preaching?

NO!

That woman didn't even skip a beat. She kicked her glory to the side and kept delivering her message.

Honestly, I don't know why more people don't attend church.

Until next time ;-)

Neglect not the assembling of yourselves

I'm a people person, but even I have my limits. Sometime before my birthday one year I just decided I couldn't do all the public appearances. Because that's what they'd become. It wasn't uplifting anymore because I was tired. It wasn't edifying anymore because I felt unfulfilled. The only thing that got me through was praise and worship, and at some church services it felt calculated. I felt like I had started going through the motions. I didn't like that feeling. I tell you with all my heart I love Jesus. But church was starting to feel like work. Like I was doing something for payment verses serving because I loved service.

The problem was I couldn't say it to ANYONE. There was too much risk involved. What do I mean risk? Loss of respect. Disappointment. I told you we're expected to be the strong examples of the believer. Why do you think we're taught all those scriptures?

When we're afraid, we're expected to "Fear not" for he is with us. When we feel uneasy about the way life is turning out, know to, "let not your heart be, troubled. Ye believe also in me." The list goes on.

But i didn't feel in trouble or uneasy or any of those things. What I was feeling wasn't exactly in my memory bank.

I was tired of the routine.

Some trust in chariots, and some in horses....

I don't trust people.

Strong statement huh? It comes from years of witnessing and observing people with ulterior motives. Yes, I know everyone doesn't have a motive but in church it's hard to find someone that doesn't. People tend to attach themselves to people of influence. I see a lot of that in church. I remember a Pastor that I knew wanted his own ministry, I smile every time I see him because he looks real tired now that he has entered into his calling. I wonder if he ever thought it would be so difficult. I swear in the brief time that he has been Pastoring he's aged at least 15 years in his face alone. I can't imagine what the stress is doing to his mind and body. But it's what he wanted.

As he maneuvered through the popular circuit, placing himself in the right place at the right time. He said the right words, he had watched the right people and learned what was necessary to be the golden boy that people needed him to be and eventually he got his wish. The saying goes, "Be careful what you ask for you just might get it."

I think as PK's we see a lot of what's wrong with the world at large. In some ways we live overprotected, because we're submerged in church life for the most part. But within that culture, we see all that is twisted in the world. We see the movers and shakers. We see the insecure and needy. We see the social climbers. We watch through side eyes as if we're oblivious to the scheming and plotting, as if the manipulation and conniving is a part of the game.

And we question our integrity, because we've been taught to see, like we don't see.

I remember some people that had gotten together, they'd started having meetings at their house, trying to get support to get the board of elders to remove my Dad as Pastor. They had even convinced members that they claimed were disgruntled to come and disrupt the next board meeting. It fell through because their supporters never showed up. By the time all of this happened I had heard about it for about seven months. Austin, PK for 20 yrs, retired, Seattle

A friend that sticks closer than a brother

I don't have many friends. I have a whole lot of people that assume we're friends due to association but we'll keep that little secret between us. Proverbs 18:24 says "A man that has friends must show himself friendly.....", for us that's definitely not a problem. I don't think there's a PK that would ever have a problem finding friends. There's always someone willing to push their son or daughter in your direction. I guess being friends with the Pastors family gets them that VIP pass into heaven.

Growing up I've only had two friends, aside from the ones that my mother brought into the world. I see your disbelief. But there are few people that can understand what the Preacher's Kid understands to be a reality. My best friend in high school was a Jehovah's Witness actually. I felt comfortable with her. She enjoyed the same things I did and I never had to be super spiritual with her. No church talk. After all I didn't want to hear her church talk, so I was in the clear with not having to share my church talk. She knew I was a PK and technically so was she (Her father was an Elder at the assembly). That was the extent of our religious talk, well aside us praying over our lunch. We didn't take part in the Student Christian Movement, those kids were weird. I could be silly without trying to convert her. When we had problems, we talked to each other and all secrets were safe. I think I met her dad once. But to this day her mother can call my name across a crowded room and I'd know her voice.

A friendship like that is rare. Sometimes you just want someone around with no strings attached. Someone to hear your fears, laugh with you give you nonsense advice without judgment. Someone without an agenda, but like I said that's rare.

"I've got six brothers and sisters, I'm a middle child somewhat. I'm never without company believe me. Most people wouldn't understand what I'm complaining about anyway. It's funny though because at church the kids either do two things, avoid us or all want to be our friend." Meagan, PK for 12 yrs, Baton Rouge, USA

The Desires of Youth

Years ago a lady came to our church and prophesied to my mother that I, yes I, would marry a Pastor. I fell to my knees and cried that day. After they managed to scrape me from the floor, my ear was filled with congratulations. I thought to myself are these people insane. Why would you congratulate me this was NOT good news. I swear now that I retell it, I find it hilarious. I was comforted a few weeks later by another visiting preacher who said, "God's spoken word can change, look at Hezekiah." I breathed a sigh of relief.

I sighed because, I really didn't think the just God that I had heard about all my life would be that sadistic and subject me to more church people. No, he's to merciful for that. He loves me right? Ok, most PK's would probably be fine with continuing the legacy of the Levitical ministry. I've said it once, I'll say it again. "Nope, I'm Good" (smiles)

I think about the many persons that people tried to set me up with their good minister friends or the guys that preached at their church. I smile at the offer and conveniently loose their number. We once had a interning Youth Pastor at our church that announced in a Bible study that the Lord had spoken to him and told him that he was gonna marry the Pastor's daughter. I looked at him and had to literally hold myself from laughing. He obviously meant some other church, because he didn't mean me.

This young man was a few years younger than me had previously been divorced, and couldn't keep up with me if I'd given him a road map and a head start.

PK relationships are difficult. We live in the limelight, so anyone that attaches themselves to us must be prepared to carry that same responsibility.

"I remember my boyfriend had some status on his Hi5 page, and not only did my mother comment under it, but she came at me like I'd written it." -  Liz, PK for 6 yrs, Toronto

....The Best Medicine (Laughter)

Despite the solemn nature of church services and the time and preparation that goes into making sure everything gets done in decency and in order (note the churchism), something always happens to turn even the most proposed uplifting moments into a Saturday Night Live sketch.

Anyone remember in the old church when they had "testimony time"? Anyone that grew up in that church era has at least one interesting story that came out of those times. Churches don't do that anymore, you ever wonder why? Well allow me tell you why our church stopped doing it.

We often reserved our testimony times to the Sunday Evening service right before the sermon. For the most part, it was filled with "Thank the Lord for waking me up this morning", "Clothing me in my right mind", "He didn't have to do it; but he did", "He's a heart fixer, a mind regulator, doctor when I'm sick, comforter when I'm lonely" type testimonies.

Ha Ha Someone's nodding their head right now.

And every so often you'd get someone that would recount their entire day from sunrise to pillow time all just to say "God is Good, all the time and all the time God is Good".

But this one Sunday Evening, we heard the testimony to end ALL testimonies. My grandfather who was then the Bishop of our local assembly (I told you, I'm in this deep) always tried to encourage me to testify because it set a good example for the other young people. Like I'm gonna stand up and tell a room full of people that I don't know, my business.

But I digress.

If you've ever been in a traditional black church, the mothers of the church were the ones the younger women were expected to go to for advice and prayers. They usually got prime seating (first row). I think they all died out in the black church cause now all I see are divas. Again I digress.

One of the mothers got up that Sunday, and began her testimony. This is where my eidetic memory kicks in.

"Let the church say Praise the Lord. Church I want to thank you for your constant prayers for me. I want you know that the devil is busy. I said the devil is busy. This week, I think it was Monday or Tuesday, the devil tried to take my life. You all know I tend the children at the nursery, so I have to wake up early because some of the mothers have to be at work at 6 a.m. and I have to open up. Well this morning, whichever it was Monday or Tuesday; the Lord pitched me up out of a deep sleep and I looked at the clock beside the bed and it said 5:55. So I got up, I didn't want to wake my husband so I hurried to get dressed in the dark and headed to the bus stop. Waiting at the bus stop a young fella came to me and asked 'Mother, you alright, where you goin this early?' I told him how I have to open up he nursery. So he told me be safe. I waited a little longer because it look like the bus was running late and while I was standing there, I saw a black car pass me with no doors. The car passed me twice. I started to pray the 23rd Psalm. Because even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death the Lord is with me, Amen? So finally the bus showed up and I got on. The bus driver said 'Mother, what you doing up so early?' I told him I had to open the nursery for 6:00 and he took so long that he made me late. Then the bus driver said, 'Mother, it isn't even 4 o'clock yet'. Saints when  he said that, I know it was the devil that woke me up so early that morning because he wanted to take my life."

It was at that point that the snickering began in my pew.

Her husband got up immediately after her and began HIS "testimony". He of course bypassed the usual "Giving honor to God who is the head of my life" recitation. Instead he said, "Mother, I don't know how you could say the devil woke you up, because the angel of the Lord encamp around my bed. Stop talking foolishness" The snickers from my pew erupted into a full explosion of laughter, so much so that my sister fell out of the pew. Needless to say, testimony time was over for that evening.

.....And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER

If I were to ask the average church goer hours they log in at their church, it would be less than 3 for the week. For the Preacher's Kid multiply that number, by a million, trillion, gazillion. Yes, I'm exaggerating. But imagine being 9 or 10 and being at church for every church service and event. Because believe it or not, any event that involves church people, to a kid at that age is CHURCH. Let's say the church decides to have a social on a holiday. The next day if you ask that kid where he was, he's gonna say church. Ha Ha, don't believe me try it. Ask your Pastor's kid that. But before that let's break down the church week for a PK.

Sunday

    Sunrise Service, Sunday School, Sunday Worship/Children's Church, Evening Service

Monday

    Prayer Service or Bible Study or New Converts Class

Tuesday

    Choir Rehearsal

Wednesday

    Bible Study

Thursday

    Band or Praise Rehearsals

Friday

    Youth Service

Saturday

    Childrens Choir

That was based on the general feedback I got from other PK's that I spoke with or those that messaged me. Some people mentioned visiting the sick and shut in members and soup Kitchen and Community activities that their church was involved with where their attendance was mandatory.
I told my sister once that I don't think that David's declaration at the end of Psalms 23 was meant to be an actual literal translation, but for us it seems that way.

Add to that church anniversaries, conferences and the like. It's a lot for a kid.

Ever wonder why it seems like Preacher's Kids "wild out" when they get in social situations. It's because their brain is so overwhelmed by the mere fact that they're involved in a non church related activity, that they try to compact all the fun into those few moments. :) It's crazy, because you get the label of being wild even before you step out and you inwardly vow not to be defined by THAT label. But then a voice says, "You don't know when they gonna let you out again." HA HA

And the older you get the more responsible to attend you become. It becomes your duty to show the congregation that their kids should be in church too. The family that prays together.... Even if it's never said right out, you learn early that it's expected. People love to compare their lives, which is a sad thing.

But church is where I learned to people watch. They were watching me so why not watch back. I learned to be invisible. I learned to pay attention to what people said verses what they actually meant. Yes, church brought out my investigative side.

Growing up I learned to actually enjoy the weird, wonderful, wacky people that attend church. And I think most PK's would tell you that the cross section of church people went from exactly what I described them as from weird to wonderful to wacky. I guess that's why I chose entertainment. Because in the house of the Lord, I was ALWAYS entertained.

Stay tuned ;-)

"I remember quietly listening during lunch when the other kids talked about going to the mall over the weekend and going to the movies and parties. Eventually I stopped being invited because when asked why I didn't come to stuff, my answer was the same. 'I had church'." Steve, PK 20+ yrs, Anchorage, USA

The Battle Is Not Your's It's The Lord's

One day I stumbled on an Ebook. To this day I don't know how I found that book, but it was the best thing that happened to me. I hope to meet the Pastor and his wife that were honest and open enough to say that everyday wasn't sunshine and roses. That there was a point when they actually resented their call from God. They were candid enough to print that some days they got tired of church and that they almost divorced because "church" was destroying their "life". I want to meet them because I want them to know that that book "saved my life". So Peter and Geri Scazerro,  I salute you.

It saved me because we've been taught that, "It's gonna be alright" "Just leave it in the hands of the Lord" "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning", but in all brutal honesty sometimes it feels like you're alone and wandering around in the dark. It feels like the morning never comes. And sometimes you wonder when people would start being real and saying, "Some days I want to just throw in the towel and make a run for it". Let the church say AMEN!

                    "Lord, if the battle is yours, why am I the one getting beat up".

It's funny how early in our PK lives that "dealing with it" becomes a way of life. Publicly we're denied any emotion that would show weakness or any chinks in our Christian armor so we learn to walk around with some masking tape and silver rust proof spray paint. After all the armor should show signs of wear. We learn that being pillars of the local assembly doesn't allow the luxury of sadness, hurt, anger and definitely not depression. The last one especially, because depression is a warning sign of demonic oppression. Or maybe it's just frustration over unrealized dreams, I could never quite figure that one out. (wink)

With every loss, every disappointment, every dream deferred or just outright denied, we put on our good Christian face and move on. PK's learn to be strong when they've got nothing left, because the battle is the Lord's not ours, all the while thinking "Lord if the battle is yours, why am I the one getting beat up".

Being a musical person first and foremost, I was never short of songs that offered solace. The band U2 was my go to because they had a knack for always saying something that spoke to what I was feeling, but for the really deep spiritual I'll add that from the first day I heard it Kirk Franklin's Hold Me Now is still a staple in my cell phone. Most days I just wrote and kept record of the anger I had toward EVERYBODY. Because I had gotten to that point where everyone was the problem. It just seemed easier to displace my anger toward everyone instead of dealing with the real issue which was I was tired, unfulfilled, felt I had served my time and needed both a break and some comfort.

My mother often remarks that I'm a drama queen. But a good friend told me a few years back, "You know what I noticed about you, I never know what you really feel. You cover everything in sarcasm. Maybe if you'd say exactly what's on your mind, when you blow up people wouldn't feel like your being overly dramatic." I thought about what he had said. I thought about it A LOT. I thought about times when I was angry or hurt and never said it because it wasn't the Christian thing to do. So things were pushed down and finally when there was no more room to compact the problem, I exploded which made me feel worse because at that point my actions were definitely not Christian.

"I've experienced more loss and disappointment growing up than anyone little person should. Each time I was forced to either act as if it was nothing major or quickly acknowledge it and move on. I think if I was to form a PK society, I'd call us 'The Great Pretenders'." Felicity, PK 14+ yrs, New York, USA.

Or maybe it's just me and I'm just dramatic by nature.

The younger son .... took his journey into a far country

I had hoped I wouldn't have to break it down like this but, I remember watching Stan Foster's "Preacher's Kid". I originally didn't want to watch it because I felt it would create a kind of tunnel vision, but I finally broke down and watched it alone and then with a few people. All in all I think I've seen the movie at least 20 times.

I'm not kidding. The video's on my cell phone.

As I watched it with the group, I listened to the commentary of the audience. I heard people say the whole idea was unrealistic, that the female lead was too naive at her age. There was no way at 21 her dad would be that overprotective.  I don't think a lot of people got the prodigal son parallel in the movie. I even heard a pastor say that the daughter deserved all the trouble that she got, because she was rebellious.

Rebellious seriously!

What did I think about the entire movie?  I told Mr. Foster that it was an excellent effort and I appreciated it more than he'll ever know.

The lead character's faults were many. But her major fault was assuming that everyone she would encounter in LIFE, would be the same as those that she encountered in CHURCH LIFE. Was that her fault? I don't think so.
She had lived according to the plan. She never strayed from the ideals until she saw hope in a dream and got no support of that dream. She was never guided into anything other than, "dwell in the house of the Lord FOREVER". Even the "church boy" that was interested in her, and went respectably to her father was told that she wasn't interested in dating.

Now I hear the argument that as her parent, her father would've known what her limitations were. I agree, but think about it she was a product of what she had been raised to be. Her limitations were a direct result of how limited her horizons were. This brings us back to the idea that PK's are wild and act out, outside of their parent's reach and eyesight. It may hold true for some, but do you blame them? They have an opportunity to be the unbridled free spirit they never have occasion to be and they take FULL advantage.
I've been a PK longer than my memory; I have never been a wild one. I've never had a wild moment. I guess I just never saw the need. But when a person feels their spirit being suffocated and it seems like no one around understands, they do strange things. It's not exclusive to Preacher's Kids believe me. I understand it better than I can tell.

I've said before that we've been taught as PK's how to "handle" our emotions and pretty much deal with our issues internally. It's an unspoken truth. The spotlight falls on you so whatever you're experiencing should outwardly be accompanied by a smile and a "God is good". I'd never deny that God is Good but some days as a PK, I felt like I didn't want to put on the show. I felt like I just wanted to be angry for a while, like things weren't working out and no one could give me anything but a "pray about it".
That should sound familiar to at least 200 of you.

Because for us the answer was not a prayer away, especially since there were so many other things we pray and don't see the answers yet. Sometimes we don't want to talk to our parents because it's their JOB to believe what they teach in church. They never show signs of giving up and never speak of times when they just wanted to throw in the towel and say "this isn't working".

We can't raise questions of insecurity, loneliness and frustration. How do you take that to people who's stand is you will follow Jesus no turning back, praise the Lord, no turning back?

You don't.

You do exactly what they say, and PRAY.

You pray that the questions get answered.
You pray that the hurt goes away.
You pray that you stop being so angry.
You pray that you find someone that understands.
You pray that this breakthrough you always hear about happens before you lose what little faith you have left.
You pray for real friends that you could confide in without judgment.
You pray that somehow in the midst of your insecurity, there's a light at the end of the darkness that keeps overtaking you.
You pray that the morning comes.
You pray for a new life.

And you feel better at least for the moment.

.....And the child grew, and waxed strong in spirit

I think that in general as the children of the temple, there are struggles that for the most part we and those around us never address. I've found that most of what we experience, feel, or fight we've learned to "handle". We've been trained to multitask and compartmentalize our lives so why not do the same with our emotions. The truth is we don't exactly have the support system that exists for everyone else.

Surprised? You think that we have access to 24 hour counseling, right? Not so.

Churchgoers by far have more access and a better opportunity to counseling than any preacher's kid ever could. Our parents would probably never admit it, but it's true. And to seek counseling apart from our parents seems like betrayal and sort of like a breech of code. It's just not something you do. But sometimes it feels much easier talking to someone completely removed from your situation. (Wait, isn't that what our parents tell parishioners; go figure) Think about Pastor's marriages all but end before they even think about seeking counseling. By that time there's so much hurt and anger over so many situations that they're probably irreparable, they stick it out to be an example to the church. So the example we are setting is what exactly?

Despite how open their doors are, they're our parents and the objectivity they give one of their members is difficult to extend when the advice is dispensed to the fruit of their own loins. The leniency they would suggest you offer your teen son on the issue of curfews; they would probably second guess in their own house. After all what would it look like if the Pastor's son was out at all hours of the night. The advice of "Sometimes kids have to be allowed to spread their wings", given to a couple whose daughter wants to go a performance arts college becomes 'You'll love the campus at Christian College that we've picked out since you were born'.
I laughed when I read that. You see that's part of the problem. Whether by our parents or society, our paths are predetermined and sometimes the will is not enough to fight against what has been determined an inevitability. As a matter of fact, failure to follow your predestined path in itself seems like a unsaid no, no.

You will be active in church ministry.

I like when people ask me, "What do at your church?" and I look at them puzzled. Granted I'm extremely active in ministry but I like to see peoples reaction when I say I'm inactive. People would either look at me strange or the next question would be, "How come?" accompanied with the look of How dare you not? I'd like to say to that "Look, I've lived it. Enough is enough" You ever wonder why and how child stars, who have known nothing other than the spotlight all their lives could walk away from the whole thing and say they want to go to college or just start a family, or just want to be normal for a while. People question whether or not they'll survive out of the public eye. It's because their entire lives have been on parade, they've had to follow one road and for a brief moment they need to just be.

...Hello fellow PK's I thought I had recognized some of you from therapy

It wasn't easy for me to write what you're about to read. I struggled with how every word would be taken. I fought with myself every time I sat in front of my laptop, because as much as I tried to hold back; the story poured itself onto the screen like it needed to be there. I have very few regrets in life and I honestly think that's because of who I am and what the life I was born into has taught me.  In no way did I want what was said and read to sound bitter, malicious or even ungrateful. I have learned so much about the human condition and the way people think than I ever could have learned in a classroom, and it's all because of who I am.

I have come to realize that the Preacher's Kid is an extraordinary individual that has either been born or thrust into a unique character shaping situation. Those that continue in it, becoming Pastors wives, ministerial assistants or Senior Pastors themselves are without a doubt the strongest and most selfless people you will ever meet. They have chosen to continue in a rewarding tradition and are to be commended.

All the same, there are those that walk away from this life scarred emotionally, angry and determined to never look back. I get it. I understand the way they feel. I think when/if a PK strays, we all should be able to relate on some level. I think we, who remain must pray that they find a peace in their heart that allows them to once again experience the love that they've come to know as a love that only Christ can bring. What I've seen and experienced has made me slightly more tolerant, even though I'm still more than cautious about those that I allow to infiltrate my inner circle. I do this because not everyone understands our life and because no matter what I do, I am branded by the title I was born with not the ones I've earned.

I've grown grateful for my parents because I know that they have raised extraordinary exceptional Christians. No, despite what you've come to believe to be true, all Preacher's Kids don't end up as tattoo artist listening to death metal far away from home, forsaking the core values taught to them. At my parents 30th Wedding Anniversary one of the speakers applauded them for raising "three wonderful children of whom they could be proud. None of whom were a menace to society." With a raised eyebrow we simultaneously erupted in laughter that echoed in the silent banquet hall. Later that evening, every time we passed each other in the hallway one of us would say, "I hope you're not being a menace to society." We didn't understand what the speaker meant but we still think it's funny.

We're all still living witnesses of Christ love and very active in the church. My brother who plays four instruments, is the church's Music Minister and has quite an Olsteenesque anointing (family joke). My sister who is an amazing vocalist has chosen the organizational aspect of ministry and handles legal and office affairs, bottom line she doesn't like the limelight. (smiles) I guess I was the one that was really expected to become the actual preacher. I'd been ordained and had done some preaching both nationally and internationally. I even Pastored the Youth Ministry at one point, shout out to my young people who daily gathered around my desk while we ate pizza and talked about everything and special "I see you" to the ones that found me on Hi5, Facebook and Twitter even though I used an alias and never used an actual photo of myself on any of those sites. But as far as the Pastoring thing goes, well...

The truth of the matter is I started to feel tired. I was looking at people differently and becoming overly cautious of their intentions and to me everything they said and did had motive.

These writings started as a journey for me personally. I had no real agenda, or intent. It was just me putting thoughts to paper, trying to make sense of how I felt. Maybe it was my attempt at therapy. A way to release years of unanswered questions in my mind, and say the things that I'd never said. A lot of people that know me assume that whatever is in my heart comes out of my mouth. Not entirely true. I've been conditioned and subliminally taught to keep secrets, guard information and evade questions. But I've also been taught not to be upfront with people, be transparent and not to lie. So there was a lot left unsaid.

But as I wrote, as my recollections became more vivid I realized had a story to tell. I had had experiences that regular people would never understand. To tell this story, I knew I had to find those that were willing to share. Do you think that was easy?

No!

Like I said, I knew I wasn't alone, but I also knew that to tell what you've experienced, what you've learned, would require some people to say things that they had never even said to their Parents. Even though I say this is my story, there were some tales that would have to reflect the anger, disappointment and displacement that many of us feel growing up, so I couldn't do it alone. I tried my local group of PK's and I realized quickly what I would be faced with. Mind you everything I had planned to write, we had at one point or the other spoken of privately, but to put it out there for everyone to see just seemed off limits. So I sought elsewhere. And I thank those of you inspired to share. In hearing what you had to say I was moved and inspired. I cried, laughed and gained some friends in the process. I can't complain.

I raise my glass to my long lost sisters and brothers. I call you that because no matter how many oceans separate us, and no matter what language we speak, even if we never see each other in this life, we've been bonded. We all share that Levitical bloodline. We're the children of the Priest of the Tabernacle. We're the Preacher's Kids and it's ok that the thought crosses our mind that.....


I Love Jesus, But I Need To Get Out Of This Church

Our Story - Told Through Our Eyes

This happens to be the introduction to the piece that I'm currently working on....Honestly this has been the most therapeutic experience I've had in like forever!! Without giving it away, the book talks about:

• Ministry
• Friendships
• Relationships (separate and apart from Dating)
• Dating
• Church Life
• Church People
• Why PK's Follow in their Parent's footsteps
• Why PK's don't follow in their Parent's footsteps
• PK Expectations

And the last Chapter is "What PK's Want You To Know" - which is not only to parents but for the congregation too.

But as I wrote, there were things I couldn't leave for some publisher to deem irrelevant, because every emotion, every story is relevant. So I share with you not only excerpts, but some of the day to day....

Visit with me and see the world through our eyes!