The Battle Is Not Your's It's The Lord's

One day I stumbled on an Ebook. To this day I don't know how I found that book, but it was the best thing that happened to me. I hope to meet the Pastor and his wife that were honest and open enough to say that everyday wasn't sunshine and roses. That there was a point when they actually resented their call from God. They were candid enough to print that some days they got tired of church and that they almost divorced because "church" was destroying their "life". I want to meet them because I want them to know that that book "saved my life". So Peter and Geri Scazerro,  I salute you.

It saved me because we've been taught that, "It's gonna be alright" "Just leave it in the hands of the Lord" "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning", but in all brutal honesty sometimes it feels like you're alone and wandering around in the dark. It feels like the morning never comes. And sometimes you wonder when people would start being real and saying, "Some days I want to just throw in the towel and make a run for it". Let the church say AMEN!

                    "Lord, if the battle is yours, why am I the one getting beat up".

It's funny how early in our PK lives that "dealing with it" becomes a way of life. Publicly we're denied any emotion that would show weakness or any chinks in our Christian armor so we learn to walk around with some masking tape and silver rust proof spray paint. After all the armor should show signs of wear. We learn that being pillars of the local assembly doesn't allow the luxury of sadness, hurt, anger and definitely not depression. The last one especially, because depression is a warning sign of demonic oppression. Or maybe it's just frustration over unrealized dreams, I could never quite figure that one out. (wink)

With every loss, every disappointment, every dream deferred or just outright denied, we put on our good Christian face and move on. PK's learn to be strong when they've got nothing left, because the battle is the Lord's not ours, all the while thinking "Lord if the battle is yours, why am I the one getting beat up".

Being a musical person first and foremost, I was never short of songs that offered solace. The band U2 was my go to because they had a knack for always saying something that spoke to what I was feeling, but for the really deep spiritual I'll add that from the first day I heard it Kirk Franklin's Hold Me Now is still a staple in my cell phone. Most days I just wrote and kept record of the anger I had toward EVERYBODY. Because I had gotten to that point where everyone was the problem. It just seemed easier to displace my anger toward everyone instead of dealing with the real issue which was I was tired, unfulfilled, felt I had served my time and needed both a break and some comfort.

My mother often remarks that I'm a drama queen. But a good friend told me a few years back, "You know what I noticed about you, I never know what you really feel. You cover everything in sarcasm. Maybe if you'd say exactly what's on your mind, when you blow up people wouldn't feel like your being overly dramatic." I thought about what he had said. I thought about it A LOT. I thought about times when I was angry or hurt and never said it because it wasn't the Christian thing to do. So things were pushed down and finally when there was no more room to compact the problem, I exploded which made me feel worse because at that point my actions were definitely not Christian.

"I've experienced more loss and disappointment growing up than anyone little person should. Each time I was forced to either act as if it was nothing major or quickly acknowledge it and move on. I think if I was to form a PK society, I'd call us 'The Great Pretenders'." Felicity, PK 14+ yrs, New York, USA.

Or maybe it's just me and I'm just dramatic by nature.